As a child, I envisioned myself as a mother. I knew that someday that vision would become a reality. I thought to myself that it would be easy, no worries, or no cares. Then I became older and a mother, not knowing that the journey to motherhood will be so stressful and so exhausting. I didn’t know nothing about postpartum depression, I knew nothing about sleepless night, I didn’t have no idea that the weight of my children lives can be so heave. Not to say being a mother is a bad thing, because it’s very rewarding. I received kisses, hugs and a lot of love from my kids every day. Just to have them apart of my life is a joy. Hello, my name is Antoinette Crosby and I will be telling you about my struggles, my successes, and all-around experience of my journey into motherhood. Let me take you back to 2013 when I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t know what to do or how to feel, considering me and my child father was in a difficult space in our relationship. I had a good pregnancy morning sickness body aches the works, everything that you can except, I had, but still felt good. I went weeks with no communication with my child father, truth be told it really didn’t matter one way or another if he was around. Doctors appointment, ultrasound appointment any appointment I had, I went by myself by choice. I went past my due date with my first child. I was 40 weeks and 3 days pregnant when I went into the hospital to be induced. Aaron the child father had no idea I was in the hospital. 16 hours of labor. I endured so much, my doctor gave medication to soften my cervix before pitocin. It did not help so the doctor then placed pitocin in my IV to kick start labor. A few hours in I started to feel contractions. My water did not break by itself, so doctors had to break my water. I became 2 centimeters dilated within 2 hours I stop dilating and began hemorrhaging. On top of that the doctors couldn’t track my son heart rate. It became scary. Doctors had to placed a heart monitor inside me to be attached to Malachi my son. Hours later, I’m looking at Malachi heart rate on the little monitor, my baby’s heart rate went from 193 to 96 in a blink of a eye. Doctors rush me into the operating room to do an emergency c section. When Malachi was born, he was blue his umbilical cord was raped around his neck. Thankfully he was doing well. At that moment it became real I’m a mother motherhood is now in full effect. My body was doing everything for this little person, but now I physically must make sure he eats, I have to change diapers, now I have to make sure he’s comfortable and his needs are met. I must be a mother to this child. One small piece of information no one told me, was that when you have a child by a man and you all are not together, you have to co-parent. Co parent? So many questions why? Why do he have to be around? Why do I have to share the child I beard for 10 weeks with a man I was intimate with previously, to now barely even knowing? However, I couldn’t keep Malachi away from his father. As much as I didn’t want Aaron around, I couldn’t make that decision for him. Aaron was the only person that can determine if he wanted to be a father not me. Co-parenting was not the best, it took some getting use to. We had our challenges of course, but we pulled it together and did what we had to do for our child. Motherhood can throw so many emotions your way. I think it also have a way of bring people closer together. Me and my child father was becoming better at parenting which brought us closer. We had one common interest and that was Malachi’s wellbeing. At some point in motherhood you must make decisions that best for you, for your children, and overall life. I made that decision to express to my child father about how I was feeling. Besides being the mother to his child or him being the father. I loved him for him. Despite our differences I loved Aaron for Aaron. I wanted to make us work not just for Malachi but for us as a family. I knew it was a greater blessing coming out of this. Growing up I didn’t have my mother or father in my life. My grandparents rise me, I always imagine how life could have been if I have my mother in my life. I walked around feeling empty in side because my mother was not around. I wanted her to be a mother to me, however I was told that she just wasn’t ready to be a mom, she had me at a young age. I was always looking for someone to fill that void. To take the place of my mother, because my mother didn’t want it. Then I ask thought to myself. How can I be a mother if my mother was not in my life to lead by example? I wonder will I be like her and walk away from my responsibilities? As a mother I want the best for your children, I want to be able to give my child what I didn’t have. I pondered on the thought of me and my child making it work. If this the wrong decision? What and who am I doing it for? Is this the best decision for my son? Will it be beneficial to go back to him, or should I keep moving forward? Every positive and negative thought race thought my mind. However, we both agreed to work out our differences and make it work. I gave my child what my mother couldn’t give me, a family. Soon after Aaron I got back together, we made the decision to get married. A year later we had a baby girl McKenzie. Now I have two little babies to mother. After McKenzie was born, I experience postpartum depression. Crying, Always anxious, anxiety. I cried 4 times a day. I can remember when my son expressed to my husband “momma cry all the time” I wanted to cry when he said that. I was referred to go to a therapist. Where I got much needed help. The journey though motherhood is still alive and well. I have 2 beautiful kids that I love dearly. I worry about them now and I know it will only get worse as they get older. I have to teach them different things. How to respect other or how to behave and manage themselves on and day to day basis. This world is getting worst by the minute. I want to keep them by my side, but I know I have to let the grow up. I just have to teach them the ways of the world so they want get cough up in the negative. That’s why I expressed in the beginning, that I was not fully aware that the weight of my children can be so heave.
See this motherhood things can take you so many different directions. Although I had some difficulties in the beginning, I still came out successful. My children are healthy and determined individuals, That I love so much. The bring me much joy, laughter, and love. Malachi is 5 and McKinzie is 2, I would not have it any other way. I’m getting used to being a mother. I had to understand I am not my mother, I’m not going to walk away from my babies. I know I’m still in the beginning of my journey, and I still have a long way to go. I just wanted to share my story in hopes to encourage other along the way. If I can do it, you can do it. Everyone has a different journey, a different story, a different way of life. Motherhood is not easy, but it’s very rewarding. Thats my story I hope you enjoyed the read.
